Once again- I lean on Him

2 years is a long time not to post. And to think I once had aspirations to be a blogger ;) too much has happed in 2 years to even try and cover so I won’t. If you know me, you know what has gone on and if you don’t- well you probably aren’t reading this so it won’t matter anyway.

skidamirink is starting 2^nd grade in exactly one week. This is insane. She won’t stop growing up! I asked her to, but she told me she’s too excited to be a teenager (say what?!) and so she can’t stop. We recently finished the 2^nd Harry Potter book and are working our way through the 3^rd. She wants to watch the movies, but I told her we have to finish the books first. There isn’t too much that is more important than teaching her that THE BOOK IS ALWAYS BETTER!  J

I’m living back at my parents. Back. At. My. Parents. At 31… and alone (as in no DH with me). DH is 150miles away, 3 hours by car and a lifetime by feeling. This year is humbling me beyond belief. This year is teaching me to draw so very close to my God and savior and to learn more about myself and Him. I am not innocent in my move back to my parents. I know the standard. I know the implications.

I know. . . I know. . . I know. . . how can I not? No one will let me forget

The Bible tells us that God does not give us more than we can handle. That he will use our trials and circumstances to refine us and purify us. What it alludes to, but fails to explain clearly is the pain that the refining process has on you. This. Is. Not. Easy. I have NO idea what he is wanting to teach me through this. I wanted to be a Proverbs 31 woman- I wanted to be a Godly wife and mother. I wanted to bring joy to my husband and love to his life. I failed. I know that. My attitude was crap and my focus was blurred—I was selfish and nearsighted. I got lost. But I was in seemingly uncharted territory. No one I knew had gone through what I was going through. People don’t talk about this type of thing! Why not!? Why are people in the church so silent on matters that are most important! These struggles that we all supposedly go through should not be fully private matters! When we see another struggling, we should be reaching out to them saying yes I went through this and I will walk with you and help you and encourage you—you can get through this—God will help you. Instead everyone seems silent until it’s too late. Only now do I know that people I know have dealt with similar issues. But now I’ve left. I’m back at my parents. Separated by a state and enough hurt and resentment to last a lifetime. I don’t know how to get it back- but I’m trying. I’m trying to be the woman God wants me to me and to trust that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS He is in control and He will use all of this for his glory and his good.

 

God hold me up- keep my focused on your goodness, your love and your promises. You have plans for not only my life, by skidamirinks and DH’s as well. You know what’s going to happen and you know how it’s all going to fit in to your plan. Help me in the days ahead—to hold my tongue, to focus on you, to lift up praises to you even when I feel like crying, to let my words be seasoned with salt, to point others to you through all that I do.

Once I again I find myself grasping for God- using him to steady my walk and to mold me into who he wants me to be. Please God, don’t let me fall.

For you my daughter

So I have a kindergartner. I have a kindergartner. I have a kindergartner.

I keep thinking if I say it over and over it will finally sink in. The once tiny 7lb 4oz baby girl that would only sleep on my chest, that loved pickle juice more than baby food, that has amazed my and inspired me in so many ways, is on her way to kindergarten tomorrow! I keep telling myself that I am ready that I can handle this. After all, it's not like skid-a-mir-ink is the first kid to go to school. It's not like I'm traversing new land and meeting new and foreign customs here. But despite having had all of her school supplies for months, having her backpack ready and by the door, her clothes laid out for the morning, her lunches planned for the next two weeks (yes I said 2)…… I still feel overwhelmed and under-prepared. My DH keeps telling me I'm over-reacting. And I am. I know this. This is not news to me. I know that I tend to get swept up in my emotions, especially when they concern my baby girl.
That being said, I'm trying to play the cool mom here and not let her know that inside I'm FREAKING OUT. After all she know what bus she's riding, her teachers name and that this will be an adventure. Maybe it's not so much that she is going to school that bothers me but that it means, I too, am getting older. I'm not so sure I'm getting wiser…but that's another worry.

I moved back home to my parents five and a half years ago with a pink little bundle of joy all wrapped in blue (I hate pink) and being scared out of my mind having no clue what I was doing. Now it seems that I sneezed and woke up in the future. My baby is 5. My baby gets dressed, makes her own breakfast, showers and buckles herself in the car without help (all of this is wonderful, don't get me wrong. It's just that…even at 5 she doesn't rely on me like she used to, and that saddens me a little).
 My baby is going to school.

I have so many hopes and dreams for her. I want to force nothing on her. I want her to learn and be creative and crave knowledge. I want her to be well rounded and know God and have solid friendships. I want her to be honest and kind-hearted and loving to everyone she meets. My heart aches knowing that she will struggle in school. That not all of the kids will want to be her friend and not all of this kids will think she's smart/funny/cute/stylish/kind etc. And I KNOW that is OKAY. But she does not. Even at 5 she seeks approval, as all kids do, I believe. She wants to fit in and she wants friends, and I want those things too. But how do you teach them that there is more to the school experience that friends and being "cool"? Even at 5….

So my dear sweet baby girl….it's hard to believe that you are going to school already…. but please know this

You are smart……………………….…even when you don't know the answer
You are kind……………………….….even when someone makes you angry
You are funny………………………...even when no one laughs at your joke
You are brave………………………....even when you feel scared
You are unique…………………….….even though you are in uniform
You are cherished……………………..even if someone forgets your name
You are beloved…………………….…even if you are teased
You are assertive……………………....even when you have to obey
You are holy…………………………...even as the devil tempts you away
You are strong………………………....even when you feel like you cannot succeed
You are my sunshine…………………..even if you've had a bad day
You are known….. …………………....even if no one seems to understand you
You are the daughter of a great king…...even in this fallen world
And I love you more than you will ever know

And please remember that as I cry tomorrow, on your FIRST day of school, it is not because I am sad, but because I am so very hopeful at what you will achieve and who you will become. I love you skid-a-mir-ink and I pray that you will always find your hope in God and your trust in Him.

Let's do this!

Running

Running. It's been dominating my Facebook and my Twitter feeds lately.

Running. Gut reaction?  ick.

Why do people run? What is this obsession with it? I understand the healthy lifestyle aspect of it, but I am honestly intrigued by this show of solidarity among runners. What is it that links them so tightly to people all over the world that they have never met? Friends on Facebook say "I too am a runner".... "my fellow runners".... I feel like it is this whole sub-culture I have never been fully aware of.

I have never liked to run.  Diagnosed  with asthma at a young age, I used it as a crutch to never take up running. I had a desire to run track when I was younger, but never acted on it. I was always told asthma was made worse by running. As I got older, I realized that was not necessarily true as I as able to play Lacrosse and ultimate frisbee just fine. So year after year, spring after spring I vowed to become a runner. I want desperately to like it. But it has never happened for me.


Perhaps this year, is the year it happens. While I have not started yet (I blame this insane ongoing "winter" we are having here) I am hopeful. My Love and I have signed up for 3...yes count them 3 5K's this year. I have no idea what we were thinking. 2 of these are Warrior Dashes and I am a little afraid of those, although perhaps they take the mundane out of running. I want to like it. I want to develop and hone it as a skill, as a lifestyle to stay healthy and active, to model to the girls and to bond with My Love. As I sit here, looking at 8inches of snow though, I'm not very excited about starting.


I've been pinning and reading articles about running (that's like osmoses for running right?) I should start reaping those rewards soon.... But I will be honest, I still and not confident about this. I have not succeeded yet in maintaining running as a life style. I want to like it. Honestly. I like walking, and what is running if not really fast walking ;)  Perhaps this will be the year. Perhaps by October I will begin to understand this sub-culture. Perhaps I will begin to understand what bonds these runners together and how the very act of running is seen as inspirational. I hope to have my eyes opened.

What about you? Runner? Not a Runner? Any advice for someone just starting out?

Independence is Daily

We are one step closer to independence for Skidamirink! Part of me is sad by this, as I always want her to be my little girl, who needs me for everything, who sees me as all-knowing and "super smart".
On the other hand, I know how important it is to foster and encourage independence. We are no strangers to it, as I have been doing it almost from the beginning with her. So what's the latest development?

Baby Girl, at 4 years old, as for the past week successfully gotten herself up, dressed, and ready to go without me having to beg, plead, or yell! The change you wonder? A sense of independence. Last week we were at Target, lost in the sea of "good deals" when we came across none other than a PRINCESS alarm clock! Skidamirink says to me "mom, I need a clock" to which I reminded her that she cannot tell time. Her response? "Well I could learn if I had a clock!" Yes...yes my dear, you could.

So considering it was on clearance, we bought it for her. She was so very excited to try it out. That night we test ran it so that she would know how it would sound and what she needed to do to turn it off. With that, despite one Mom related snafu the first day, she has been getting up to the "beep-beep" every day.


To say that this has been helpful would be a gross understatement. We laid out the expectations of this new alarm clock, and what buying it would mean, and she has delivered better than I ever could have hoped. She is so proud to wake up on her own and  get herself ready for the day. She tells daycare about, people at church, and anyone else who will listen.


To see her beam with self-accomplishment warms my heart. I am proud that she is realizing her potential as age appropriate situations arise, and I pray that My Love and I are always able to recognize when she is ready, and encourage her if she ever has any doubts about her own abilities.


What else could my 4 year old be ready for?
What do you allow your children to do alone at this age?


Blessings

8 down 4 to go!

Ok so are you ready for this? If you know me well at all, you might need to sit down before you continue reading this.....ok ready? I did it! I learned how to shoot a gun! Scariest thing of my life to date...I think.... and I did it! Oh yeah, and I didn't even cry :)


How did all of this come about? Well I have an unnatural fear of guns. I know guns don't kill people, people kill people blah blah blah but still. Guns are were completely terrifying to me! They were unknown, loud, and in the wrong hands...deadly. So I decided, as a new years resolution  that I would learn how to shoot a gun, in hopes to calm my fear of them. The more you know the better, right?!


So I had lots of promises from people who said they would teach  me, and cassanderson my dear, I know you would have taught me next month, so don't think I'm mad at you! :) I finally got an offer I couldn't refuse. A friend of mine...let's call him....Shooter, told me that he would take me. So off we went! We went to a place in Circle Pines called Bills Gun Shop. A lovely little place, if I do say so my self. Shooter had  6 guns for me to choose from, and I ended up shooting 5 of them. What were they? Good question! Good thing Shooter text them to me :) They were a Beretta 32 acp, Beretta 40 caliber, Taurus 357, a glock 9mm and a Ruger 22 rifle.


It took me a moment to pull the trigger the first time, and when I did...I screamed :-/ ha! Not my bravest moment!

That's me target shooting! I hit the paper...so I'm happy :) With the 22 I even hit the bulls eye! I found the 9mm easier of the hand guns (which for some reason impressed my father) and there was at least one that I only shot a few times and then gave back to Shooter because it hurt my hand. So I learned how to shoot, and how to load the gun too, all about the safety and how to properly hold it.

The photos are a little fuzzy sorry, we were using a camera phone. Once I got comfortable with it though, we decided that it was time to practice for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.

As you can see, they had zombie targets. :) This made me happy. So we got one and decided to practice how we would survive the upcoming epidemic (apparently triggered by bath salts.....)

The results? Not too bad...I'm 100% sure that this Zombie would be dead.

I even got the guy in the back...although Shooter took care of him for good for me :)

So on a scale of 1-10, how did I like it? I'd say it was an 8. The other guns on the range  made me jump when they were fired, although I did fine if I watched them, so I think it's more of the unpreparedness of not being able to see them but just randomly hearing a gun go off that scares me. I'm pretty good with e 22 rifle, I suck with distance shooting (25 feet) and I think it was the 40cal that scared the living daylights out of me when I shot it. BUT, I had fun, I learned something new, and I'm less scared of guns now. So overall it is was a positive experience (I was surprised), I didn't cry and I had a great teacher. Would I go again? Yes. Will I still be jumpy? Most likely. But I figure I can only get better, right?



LETS DO THIS!

6 and 7 down, 5 to go!

Hello July! Apparently summer slows nothing down. School is in full swing, Skidamirink is in ballet! I started a garden, went to New Orleans, got published in a blog at work (twice!) and had a birthday! Whew!

Launching right in, I did something this year I have been wanting to do for quite some time. I started a garden!

I'm doing box gardens, it's interesting, but the yard isn't dug up and then if we ever want to get rid of it, we can. I got the boxes from some friends. Then my lovely gardening friend went to the store with me to help get me started. I got tomato plants, strawberry plants and seed for cucumbers, zucchini, peas, and green beans. I also got some herbs but did not plant them this year (I didn't want to stress myself out with too much to do).

Strawberries! They came with some and I have not gotten any since :(

I have been having fun with it. Skidamirink loves it. She checks on it with me, helps pull the weeds and is so incredibly excited to see the tomatoes start to come in! Unfortunately during one of our hot spouts, I was gone a little often and the sun scorched my thriving peas and green beans. I think some of the green beans might still come in, but I'm fairly sure that the peas or done for. Apparently they don't like heat...I guess we have that in common. But the cucumbers and zucchini are going great and should start producing soon! Tomatoes are green and we're waiting for them to ripen. I will say that weeding the garden right now is so much easier than our old traditional gardens, considering they are in boxes. I'm a fan of that for sure. 

That being underway, I also went to New Orleans! I chaperoned the youth groups Challenge 2012  Everything Is New trip last week. It. was. amazing. Lives were changed, God was moving and I am so thankful that He called me to go. We took vans down (ugh) and while some of the driving was tortuous (24.5 hours down and 22 hours back) it was well worth it for the bonding and relationships that were bettered. The speakers were incredible. The worship, inspiring. The ministry, priceless. We were able to help schools in NOLA and make a difference in our few days down there. God is so good.

Our group- 33 kids 5 adults

I got to do a lot of first on this trip, the trip being one of them. I attended a Challenge conference as a teenager in 2002, Atlanta Ga, but I had never chaperoned a youth trip before. Or driven a 10 passenger van, or pulled an all nighter driving with one other person, or or or! So many things! The best new thing? I got to eat alligator! 

It was DELICIOUS!

Despite what people tell me, it tasted nothing like chicken...sorry folks you must have had bad alligator. This was....alligator. It was meaty and only a hint of something fishy, but it was good. If I had to compare it to something I would say it was closer to pheasant than chicken, but that's just me. I also got to enjoy a Catfish Po'Boy:

as well as the BEST bread pudding I have EVER consumed:

Yes I'll take a 5lb bucket, 2 straws and the recipe please! The trip was worth it if for no other reason than the bread pudding. :)  The hat in the above photo is also new, along with a new necklace I got, and a shirt for Skidamirink. 

All that led up to my birthday, which to be honest wasn't anything much. Work and then a hospital visit to see a friend and then off to youth group where the lovelies surprised me with singing and a cake. Skidamirink also sang to me, and I got it on tape, and she got me roses and a balloon (and a card). She is the cutest thing in the world. So now I'm 27, I got promoted at work!!! and I start that next week, and school is going great. Things are looking up. I'm learning daily to trust God more and more and I know that He has a plan, and it helps me to worry less. Yes, I still have my own dreams and desires, but I have surrendered them to Him, and I know that He will always hold me in the palm of His hand. 

So a bit of lag in posting, my apologies (not like I have a crowd to cater to!) but I got 2 more things done. I still have to learn to shoot a gun...hopefully I will find someone to teach me that before the year is up! I am excited to see what the rest of the summer brings! 

LETS DO THIS!

Opps

Oh hello! So I was going back in time and realized that I had said in my very first post, that I would blog one a week. Apparently, since that was written well past my bedtime, I forgot what I said and I resorted to once a month. Fail. I guess I'll just have to start updating more!

I actually have a lot going on right now, but of course I have no photos right now, as I am not on my own computer. God is still doing amazing things in my life. Bringing in old friends and helping me grow closer to those around me, He is too good to me. I've been on a small break from school, and it was just what was needed to ward off mental exhaustion. We are up and running again though, this time Cross-Cultural Communications and so far I like it. The book "Strange Virtues" by Bernard T Adenet is insightful and lovely. It talks about how really we need God to help us interrelate cross culturally. They truth of the writing is loud. I love it.

The youth group is one step closer to Challenge 2012! I am so excited to go with this amazing group of teens on this adventure. I am excited to see you God sets them on fire for Him and how he uses this experience in their lives. I know that He will teach me as well, and I am working on preparing and opening my heart to what He has to say to me and what He is going to teach me there. This last year with this youth group has been amazing and I am so glad that I have found a place in the church that I can pour myself into. I get the honor of learning from them, but I also get to be humbled. I get to admit my mistakes and hope that God can use me as a tool to help them avoid the mistakes that I have made. I have lots planned for the summer still. And I have lots to catch up in blogging! What's to come? Well I started a garden (I've been waiting for the plants to get a little bigger so I can have some good before and after photos). I have also successfully ran 2 fundraiser events for the youth group. I completely enjoyed every moment of it. Maybe it's something I can look into channeling my energies into. Maybe it's a career path for me. Maybe it's just a fun thing for me to do when the church can use me, who knows! I am becoming more open to His possibilities every day. I'm doing well in taking notes in church and I even found my daily Bible reading schedule! Although it was lost for so long that I am now very far behind. I will get it done though. I am determined.

Things with my heart are going better as well. I still know and believe that God has great plans for me. I appreciate my support system, and know that, as you're reading this, I am doing well. I am not masking anything; I am truly growing and learning from it. I harbor to resentment or bitterness and I am getting over the fact that I’m not going to have true closure on it. God is still God and God is still GOOD.

LETS DO THIS!